


Hope Springs

by cordeliadelayne



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Merlin, First Kiss, First Time, Getting Together, Kissing, M/M, Top Arthur, introspective merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 05:40:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6841225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cordeliadelayne/pseuds/cordeliadelayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin muses on the nature of lies and how they affect his relationships. Set after episode 112.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope Springs

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Livejournal in 2008.

_It doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter._ That’s what Merlin tells himself as he walks across the courtyard.

Except that it does.

How many of the lies he told every day were avoidable? How many were convenience rather than necessity? They wrapped themselves around him like a comfortable blanket, and letting go only left him in the cold. Like that look in Arthur’s eyes whenever he wanted, and failed, to declare himself a warlock. The words moulded themselves to his tongue and refused to let go. Was this anyway to live? Was this anyway to die?

He had tasks to complete. A list of chores that Arthur needed doing before he went hunting in the morning. But even doing them sans magic didn’t distract him from his maudlin thoughts. What kind of relationship did he have with Arthur if he couldn’t tell him the truth? It would forever lie between them. And if their destinies were so entwined, did this mean he’d have to take the secret to his grave? He wasn’t sure he could manage to swallow the words that long, not unless he wanted them to choke him.

“What are you still doing up, Merlin?” Morgana asked from the doorway. She looked drained, which after recent events was no surprise.

“Still have a few things to do for Arthur,” he replied. He looks down at his shoes, feels he’s being rude, and looks up to smile at Morgana a little sheepishly. “What about you?”

She smiles tiredly. “Couldn’t sleep.” They have a weird not-quite-friendship but again it’s based on lies. He knows she wanted Uther dead. She doesn’t know he helped save him. Though out of all of them for whom his secret is still just that, she’s probably the one that could keep it best.

“Maybe you should see Gaius. Take a sleeping draught, or something?” He wants to be kind, but he also wants her gone. He’s no fit company in this state and he doesn’t want to let anything slip that he shouldn’t. How can he look at her the same when he knows the truth? How would she?

“I might just do that. Don’t stay up too late.” She goes with a soft brush of fabric against the floor. She really is beautiful, and spirited. She’s certainly someone he doesn’t want to ever cross. He hopes it won’t ever come to that. Hopes a lot of things.

He stares at all the things he has to do. Maybe some magic is the answer.

“What are you doing?”

Merlin looks up guiltily to see Arthur standing where Morgana had moments before. Only Morgana hadn’t made his stomach flip.

“Just finishing up,” Merlin said, looking away.

“Well, why don’t you call it a night for now. It’s been a long day.”

Merlin blinked. It wasn’t like Arthur to be so understanding. He chanced another look at him, and his eyes widened in surprise. Arthur looked like death warmed up. Clearly events were taking their toll on him – and Arthur was still in the dark about everything; their destiny, his magic, the future. All he had to rely on was a future that was uncertain.

Merlin frowned. Perhaps he should be envying Arthur after all.

“Are you even listening to me?” Arthur asked in a tired tone that spoke of both weariness and fond exasperation.

“Sorry, no, I was…Are you all right?”

Arthur looked surprised to be asked. “I’m fine, Merlin. Why don’t you get to bed. Perhaps we’ll give hunting a miss for once.”

Merlin stood up, nodded and went to leave. But he paused as he brushed passed Arthur, their arms touching for the briefest of moments.

“You’re going to go to bed too though, aren’t you?”

Arthur smiled. “Yes, Merlin, I will be going to bed.” He looked at Merlin and Merlin looked back. Something was in the air, something more potent than any magic Merlin knew how to use. But unlike with magic Merlin wasn’t sure _how_ to use it.

“Goodnight, then,” Merlin whispered.

“Goodnight, Merlin,” Arthur whispered back. And proving himself a brave warrior indeed he leaned forward and kissed Merlin gently on the lips.

Merlin opened his eyes wide as Arthur moved away. Arthur seemed so unsure, so completely unlike his usual self that Merlin’s natural bravery came to the fore and he pulled his friend back into the kiss.

It was soft at first but then became more persistent, as Arthur took control and pushed his tongue inside Merlin’s mouth, and Merlin retaliated by pushing Arthur across the room and onto the bed.

“Too many clothes,” Arthur hissed, pulling at Merlin’s jacket.

“You’re one to talk,” Merlin replied. But Arthur kissed him again to shut him up before he started any more complaining, and proceeded to pull at his own clothing, batting away Merlin’s attempts to help.

“Have you ever…” Merlin started to ask but Arthur smiled reassuringly.

“I know what I’m doing Merlin.”

Merlin wasn’t totally convinced that he believed him, but like so many moments in their friendship he was prepared to take Arthur’s word as surety.

“Okay,” he whispered against Arthur’s neck instead, as Arthur reached under his pillow for something and flipped him onto his back.

“Just relax,” Arthur murmured. “I won’t hurt you.”

Merlin’s eyes opened impossibly wide as Arthur’s fingers began to touch him, first his cock and then moving further down, sending shivers of anticipation up his spine. Whenever he’d touched himself, it had never felt like this.

“Oh, god,” Merlin cried as Arthur pushed two then three fingers inside of him and he bucked up, only Arthur’s hand against his chest anchoring him to the here and now.

“Shh,” Arthur murmured, kissing Merlin’s cheek and then sucking at his neck. Merlin started to hope he wouldn’t leave a bruise, but then his vision whited out as he felt Arthur’s cock push inside of him and nothing mattered except them, joined like this. Always.

Arthur began to move now, quicker than he had before, hitting a spot inside Merlin that drew gasps out of him and a hearty chuckle from Arthur. “Like that, don’t you?” Arthur panted.

“Yes, god yes,” Merlin cried, not caring what might happen next. How their destinies were now forged. This, this though was perfect and right and everything he’d craved without even knowing. Without having the words.

So what if it were based on a lie? Arthur would never hurt him. He believed that with every fibre of his being. Arthur would never hurt him.

And as he came, his orgasm rippling through him and Arthur’s kisses against his skin he knew it would be all right. He would tell him the truth. Maybe not now. Maybe not this week or month. But this was too precious to be damaged by a lie.

They were two sides of the same coin. Truth and lie. Dark and light. You couldn’t have one without the other.

And as Arthur pulled him close and settled down to sleep he knew, no matter what, that Arthur would accept him for who he was. He had to.


End file.
